Kyodi Tae: No, I'm afraid I'm not on-line at this time. Please try back later.
Kyodi Tae: What kind of fucking question is that'?
Kyodi Tae: WHY ARE YOU SO GAY?!
MARTIN D BAKER: nice picture by the way.
Kyodi Tae: Thanks.
Kyodi Tae: You likey?
MARTIN D BAKER: yes i liked the picture.
Kyodi Tae: Well, that's fabulous. Lemme tell you. So, are you on-line?
MARTIN D BAKER: i guess i am
MARTIN D BAKER:
Kyodi Tae: Yeah - what the hell kind of question was that anyway, Martin D. Baker?
MARTIN D BAKER: i only asked because sometimes when you send someone an IM they already have logged off and then its a waste of time.
Kyodi Tae: Ah - well, I didn't. Why -did- you IM me anyway, Martin D. Baker?
MARTIN D BAKER: your profile was "interesting"
Kyodi Tae: Ah - I see. So, Martin D Baker, you wanna take a spin on this little hotrod?
MARTIN D BAKER: lets spin then baby doll.
Kyodi Tae: Great, well, first you'll notice the overall roominess of the interior, accentuated by the leather seats. This baby was not five, not six, but nine, I mean nine, cupholders. Can you believe that? And may I say you look fabulous driving this baby?
Kyodi Tae: Four hundred twenty horsepower, V8 engine, more power than you'll ever need, and enough creature comforts to take that cross-country trip you've always wanted to take with the family.
Kyodi Tae: Hear me now and believe me later, the Mercury Mistress is exactly the car you're looking for.
MARTIN D BAKER: well you sold me on it. Where can I take a test drive?
Kyodi Tae: Um, you're driving it right now, Martin D Baker.
MARTIN D BAKER: so any "special" features that I should notice?
Kyodi Tae: Well, you can get this baby in stick shift or automatic transmission. The stereo is a 300-watt CD/MP3 player, complete with theater type surround system, togglable on the dashboard.
Kyodi Tae: Not to mention alloy wheels, a spacious trunk, and for a limited time only a 2.9% APR.
MARTIN D BAKER: 2.9? thats a steal. sign me up!
Kyodi Tae: Dealer retains all factory-to-dealer incentives. Offer may not apply to pedophiles. 2.9% APR is subject to credit approval/sexual preference. No little girls were fucked in the making of this deal.
Kyodi Tae: Great!
Kyodi Tae: Let's go sign the papers!
MARTIN D BAKER: so lets go through the credit approval process.
Kyodi Tae: Right - I'll need your credit card type, number, and expiration date then.
Kyodi Tae: Alright, well, how about you just pretend then?
MARTIN D BAKER: my credit card is visa #1234567890000 expiration of october 2002
Kyodi Tae: Well, that'll work, I guess.
Kyodi Tae: Let's see here, Martin D Baker - it says here you like little girls. Is that right?
MARTIN D BAKER: depends of wether or not i could get arrested or not.
Kyodi Tae: Well, I'm a car dealer, not a cop.
Kyodi Tae: We only have to know in order to fit your new car with the right personalized mudflaps.
MARTIN D BAKER: well if thats so, then i guess so.
Kyodi Tae: Great. Now, I'll need you to sign here, here, and at this X.
MARTIN D BAKER: xxxxxxxx
Kyodi Tae: Um, ... Mr. Baker? I'm going to need you to sign your actual name there. All x's won't fly with the bank.
MARTIN D BAKER: MD Baker
Kyodi Tae: MD? Are you a doctor?
Kyodi Tae: WOW! You must be rich.
MARTIN D BAKER: no but i play doctor alot
Kyodi Tae: You wanna play doctor in your new car?
MARTIN D BAKER: with who?
Kyodi Tae: Well, me, I figured - your loan application says you like little girls, and I'm a little girl, so ... customer service policy here says we break the car in for you, if you want.
MARTIN D BAKER: well then lets break it in.
MARTIN D BAKER: where do we start
Kyodi Tae: The trunk is spacious - want to start there?
MARTIN D BAKER: works for me.
Kyodi Tae: So, get into the trunk.
MARTIN D BAKER: okay im in the trunk what next
Kyodi Tae: I lock you in the trunk with your pants around your ankles. I get in the driver's seat and start up the engine.
Kyodi Tae: Now, Martin D Baker, it's important to vary your speed a lot while you're breaking in the engine in a new car like this.
Kyodi Tae: Try to vary your speed all the way from 10mph to over 100. Otherwise, your compression valves will create grooves in the engine and your car will lose power above and below that tolerance threshold.
MARTIN D BAKER: hopefully the trunk has an escape latch where I can free myself in the event of eminent danger
MARTIN D BAKER: and why would my pants be around my ankles
Kyodi Tae: No, actually it doesn't. The designers of the Mercury Mistress were too concerned with Backseat Fuckability to worry about your luggage safety.
Kyodi Tae: Because I yanked them down as you were climbing into the trunk.
MARTIN D BAKER: so how good is the backseat fuckability
Kyodi Tae: Well, Car and Driver magazine gave it 4 stars.
Kyodi Tae: You hear the engine start to really rev up.
MARTIN D BAKER: only 4 stars? I prefer 5 star rides myself.
Kyodi Tae: It's on a 4-star scale, Martin D Baker.
MARTIN D BAKER: okay. and how did it earn 4 stars?
Kyodi Tae: Mostly cuz I sucked off the judges in the backseat.
MARTIN D BAKER: so what about customers?
MARTIN D BAKER: do they also get a backseat suck off?
Kyodi Tae: That's not a standard package addition, sir. You must want the deluxe package.
MARTIN D BAKER: tell me more about the deluxe package and dont leave anything out.
Kyodi Tae: The deluxe package includes: anti-pedo brakes, a backseat blowjob, power mirrors, power locks, power dildos, and great sodomy by the salesman. Did you want the deluxe package?
MARTIN D BAKER: Ill take the deluxe package nice saleslady.
Kyodi Tae: Salesman, not saleslady - we're not into political correctness around here.
MARTIN D BAKER: okay salesman. I want the deluxe.
Kyodi Tae: Ok - typically, we give the sodomy first.
MARTIN D BAKER: go ahead
MARTIN D BAKER: do customers have to wait this long all the time?
Kyodi Tae: Ok, well I take you out of the trunk, drop my pants to my ankles, imitating your pants, bend you over, whip my nine-inch cock out of my boxers, and ram it into your ass.
Kyodi Tae: I had to get approval from my manager, Martin D Baker.
Kyodi Tae: Your head smacks repeatedly against the trunk while I pump my way to ecstasy.
MARTIN D BAKER: not exactly what I had in mind, i would have preferred to do that to you, though.
Kyodi Tae: I withdraw my COCK from your ASS and put it back in my pants.
Kyodi Tae: Ok, well you can give me the backseat blowjob now, Martin D Baker.
MARTIN D BAKER: sorry i prefer to get blowjobs, not give
Kyodi Tae: My cock is still hard, even after blowing nearly a quart of semen into your colon.
Kyodi Tae: Make sure you roll my balls around while you're sucking, too - you didn't buy the executive package, so you're still at my whim.
MARTIN D BAKER: what comes with the executive package, dare I ask?
Kyodi Tae: More sodomy, handcuffs with which I cuff you to the bumper, drag you across town, then have sex with your unconscious body, sell your kidneys on the black market, play golf with your testicles, and use your spine as a fencepost.
Kyodi Tae: Your penis is sold on E-Bay for $6 and is used in a fat woman's milkshake for extra "protein".
Kyodi Tae: Did you want the executive package, Martin D Baker
Kyodi Tae: Guess not.
MARTIN D BAKER: i think ill pass on the executive package. i like all my vital organs in their proper perspective.
Kyodi Tae: So you want to suck my dick in the leather backseat then?
MARTIN D BAKER: not really
Kyodi Tae: Will you suck my dick in the trunk then?
MARTIN D BAKER: not there either
Kyodi Tae: Well, where then? I just need -one- blowjob.
MARTIN D BAKER: sorry i dont give blowjobs. im a guy and that just dont happen. it aint even that type of party.
Kyodi Tae: Hrm - well, you just bought a new car, Martin D Baker. In Korea, it's customary that you thank the salesMAN with oral sex.
Kyodi Tae: You will dishonor yourself if you refuse. We will repossess the car and keep your money, as well.
Kyodi Tae: Otherwise, I will be forced to disembowel you and have sex with each and every one of your "vital organs" that you apparently cherish so much.
MARTIN D BAKER: then i guess the car and money are kept then. I aint even goin that route with no man. the only thing a man can tell me is where the nearest woman is. sorry
Kyodi Tae: Hrm - I don't know about any women, sorry. You don't want this car then?
MARTIN D BAKER: Ill pass then
Kyodi Tae: My manager is going to be pissed.
MARTIN D BAKER: so sad too bad
Kyodi Tae: Dammit - well, tell me: was the sodomy good for you? We're thinking about including it in even the standard package.
Kyodi Tae: And would take a moment to fill out a customer service questionnaire for us? We strive to maintain the highest quality customer service in the Car-Selling/Ass-Raping Industry.
Kyodi Tae: Guess not.
For more intellectually advanced logs by Kyodi Tae, click here